Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
