Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
