you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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