The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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