She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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