I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
