Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
