I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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