why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
