I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
