I wish they made helmets for livers.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
