in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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