I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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