walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Pooping to opera.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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