I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
