Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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