i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
