i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
