theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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