New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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