walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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