I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
