8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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