Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Send help, water and tortillas.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
