The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
