Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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