ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
