im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
