My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
