i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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