Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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