Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
