I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
