I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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