: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize