maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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