So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
