All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize