The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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