Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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