i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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