I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
