Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
