Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
