3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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