I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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