My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
