dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
