Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
