someone get that fucking seahorse.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Randomize
