Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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