He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
