I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
