dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
