Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
