When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I will pee on everything he values.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
