watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
