i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
