Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
