can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
