I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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