This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
