I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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