Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
