and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
