Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
