Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
