She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
