Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize