There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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