I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
